Writing

    I think about writing. 

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    • 2 years ago

    "I owe this tumblelog a post about lack of sentimentality. I’m too lazy and it’s my last day in school as a high school student tomorrow."

    • 2 years ago

    "I will not cry. Because that means nothing changed, and I already did the last, most “drastic” thing I could ever do to change things. And I am not feeling anything. (But I’m covering my ears, blind and deaf.)"

    • 2 years ago
    • 1

    "Please keep giving me reasons to make the right decision for myself."

    — I hate this. I didn’t realize I was wearing rose-tinted glasses again. There is no longer reality — only the positive and negative perspectives.

    • 2 years ago

    "FUCK, I BLINKED, AND A TEAR ROLLED DOWN MY RIGHT EYE."

    • 2 years ago

    "IT’S NOT FUCKING CONSIDERED CRYING UNTIL TEARS ROLL DOWN MY FACE. BUT THIS IS THE CLOSEST TO CRYING IT HAS EVER BEEN."

    • 2 years ago

    "I wish I could at least temporarily have a heart of steel so I wouldn’t hurt or end up falling in a way that would cause an infinitude of problems."

    • 2 years ago
    • 1

    X

    Dear ____, 

    Okay, you know what, I know how you feel. Maybe that’s why there is this very subtle hidden connection between us. I don’t know your motives. I’m not sure about mine either. But I know how it feels.

    Except you’ve reached that higher level and it probably made everything hurt more. But with the same logic you told me about the people around that person, I could be hurt less, but multiple, multiple times.

    Thanks for trusting me. At first I was just entertained because I knew something more again, but really, I sympathized with you more. I didn’t tell that person. After what I found out I don’t think I’m telling him.

    (I could just take revenge with you… kidding.)

    You crazy person. How could you have put up with that person all this time? And you might still want it? I don’t even get what I deserve now.

    I swear that I understand you. Maybe not the same way. But I understand the pain. All right, it may be completely different, but we’re somehow in the same situation.

    (When presented with the opportunity and of course timely sadness, should I open up to you? Of course I’m not going to tell you the entire truth. But how about my pains, somehow? Or will you catch on? I can’t forget that I might turn myself into your enemy if I give too much information… Or can I turn you into my comrade?)

    We’ll see each other. We’ll hang out. As you wanted to.

    I wonder what’s going to happen next.

    • 2 years ago
    • 1

    It was about what you and I don’t deserve.

    All the things you’ve done to hurt me.

    All the places I’ve brought you, all the happenings to which you left me uninvited.

    Then about how I’ve hidden all the sins I committed against you because they could outweigh how much you’ve hurt me (no, maybe not).

    I have so much power to hurt you especially with the events unfolding recently. But I don’t. The more you may hurt me, the more I will really be tempted.

    But I never cried over you or whatever pain you’ve caused me.

    You know what? He wouldn’t hurt me because he could be sensitive. He knows how to commit. Too much for you? Good, you didn’t deserve it. Nevertheless, I feel like I lose hope because I don’t know if I can feel for someone else again the same way I’ve felt for you and at the same time feel that way for the right person. By right, I mean good for me.

    I am so much more sensitive than you are. You love me? Then you don’t even know what love is. I learned a lot because of what I’ve gone through after meeting you. I still find it funny how you’re a part of me, half of my high school life. 

    I know all these feelings were much more intense last year. My feelings aren’t as intense but things are just different.

    I really hard a hard time deciding but I made up my mind. Don’t make me regret it.

    • 2 years ago
    • 1

    "I can most certainly live without you, but that may make my life less exciting."

    • 2 years ago

    "Melancholic, nostalgic pain. I forgot how I’ve felt so much in the past. That means that the next time I fall in love, it’s as if I never learned my lesson."

    • 2 years ago

    "I want to give up on trying to be compassionate with you because you’re just so insensitive and judgmental already. You just ruined my night. But making things negative tonight is good conditioning for my heart so Shakespeare’s predictions won’t come true with regard to the root of heartache."

    • 2 years ago
    • 1

    "The confidante of the lover whose lover is the love interest of the confidante is also the confidante of her love interest."

    • 2 years ago
    • 2

    Expectations

    Are the root of heartache (William Shakespeare, not verbatim).

    She’s the type of person who keeps giving hints and it doesn’t help.

    "He’s not ______. You know his situation. We were talking about it. You should wait for Valentines’."

    "I’ll give you a gift on Valentines’."

    "I know you’re still mad at me for not giving you a corsage!"

    "I know why he said that. But I won’t tell. I promised him. I’ll tell you in the right time."

    This is so confusing, and I just have to wait for February 14 to find out the truth, so I’m just going to suffer from two weeks of expectation. I have this other friend, she understands what I’m talking about. She tells me it’s really nothing.

    I think too fast and it’s annoying.

    She always does this. She feels that she knows something. She makes that known by giving hints. For your own sake….

    I keep thinking. I think faster than I understand. She did help me. 

    "Oh gosh, don’t expect anything. It’s nothing, swear. (This is me trying to help.)" 

    She also helped me last year when my heart ached so much after finding out… That that spot of yours was someone else’s.

    Yes, Tumblr. It may not be the entire disease but I’m getting it again. It started on my birthday. Then everything that happened last night until morning. That I will explain some other time. I already made a draft with all the uncensored details and emotions but it will stay a draft.

    What could have happened is such a haunting ghost. Every sweet drop of poison I end up consuming is killing me slowly. Well, it’s actually not that intense.

    I need to stop thinking. I’m just going to get hurt in the end. I’m just going to get hurt again. 

    By the way, that decision I’m supposed to make… If you’re leaving that spot unfilled, so am I. My pride is there. I felt like I’d be full of pride if I get that kind of revenge on you.

    But the sudden expectations of what you might do is torturing me and it’s going to change that decision as well.

    The first time I faced the fork, my expectations were on the negative and that was good. Then suddenly the truth (the timeworn truth) was that it was a yes. Is that why I’m expecting things now?

    This was all supposed to be done. This was supposed to be over. I was supposed to be over you. 

    For this kind of inner drama to happen this late in the year, it’s so… Because of all these debuts where I encounter you… I actually encounter you quite a lot. I’m starting to remember how it did feel to have that disease. Earlier on I didn’t even remember how I felt.

    Temptations. Poison. What if, what could have happened, what might happen.

    I always thought you were dense. No, at first I thought there was always that mature person deep inside you. A person who remembers. A person who is like me. I grew tired of believing in you and believed that you were dense, that you don’t know how to follow schedules, that you are numb and you don’t get hurt.

    It took you being in that d state for me to realize everything.

    What if this is not over? Can something ever be over? (Yes… it can… It’s not like it’s going to be like this my entire life. This is just a phase.) Will I end up confessing one of these days?

    • 2 years ago
    • 1

    "Do you know how it feels to be kilig and devastated at the same time?"

    • 2 years ago
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