I find it so amazing how I can connect the dots.

I get details from one source and even verbatim information from someone else and both are involved in the same event, in just one situation, just one happening. Just through conversations and connections, I know everything.

I get to connect them.

Funny coincidences.

Thank you for the opportunity. Thanks for the info. Student journalist-news writer by heart even if it involves my emotional life.

You. You have no idea how much I know yet again, but this time, it hurts more and more. Having so much confirmation of my discoveries made it all sink in even faster, even harder, even more painfully. Things don’t sink in right way with me, so that could be a good thing? (Except it caused depression for some time.)

Call me a stalker, call me an investigator, call me nothing more than the close friend… who went as far as piecing all the information together, who cares for you so much…

If I cared for you so much I’d leave you to vuestro idea of “happiness” and… try to… why is it so impossible to loosen my grip?

I went against the words to which I’ve committed.

Part of this feeling of depression and guilt is the way I shared what was not mine today.

It was just the moment when I knew I could let it out. But there was a choice not to. I did anyway.

I shared what was not mine.

I betrayed someone’s trust.

But recalling things today and even realizing other things along the way is really putting me down. Some sort of depression similar to the deep shit I’ve felt in December 4-5, 2010.

So ironic that I planned to write about the solutions since I finally found out how to help myself.

I’m back from a pretty long day even if it was just in one place, even if what made it truly long was this sort of down-ness.

To-do list, schoolwork. Keep me busy enough so I can have more color. Convince me that it’s easy to change what I feel to happiness. Abstain. Avoid. Forget. Concentrate.

You don’t know how much I react to the events in your life.

(Stupid Google Chrome doesn’t ask me if I really want to exit… All, all the posts I planned to type are gone. That was five in total including this one.)

So my thoughts have flown into the supposed posted blog post.

But it’s not.

I… just got affected. As usual. It repeats like a really messed-up cycle. 

And… Well, you didn’t start it, but with that term that we use… how could you end up sharing it with that person?

I don’t know. I’ve run out of thoughts, I’ve wasted the opportunity of using this word again and therefore I allow myself to use this word again someday, but…

I’m in denial because I think I feel what I actually don’t. I wouldn’t even…

(I hate Google Chrome for that unassuring exit button.)

(I wanted to write about how: this will all end up nowhere because when you’re away, I’m sad, but when you treat me specially, I get disillusioned; the costs outweigh the benefits; something about misapprehension, but more of how you actually act without me around; something else…)

There was a gathering and I freaked out in school deciding if I should or should not go… I prayed about my decision and I don’t regret not attending (even if you did). I’m not that cheap. I’m not going to attend just because you will!

But deep inside… that was what made it hard for me to decide. In denial, even if I think otherwise.

The day after, though. 

Why is it as if you don’t care? You speak first but I give you unanswered replies! Twice have they been unanswered questions! You are so inconsistent. 

It can change my mood so much. Things just have to happen to you. I just have to end up knowing. 

F*** it.

You can tell that I probably have a superiority complex.

That also leads to being a control freak, but I’m probably not that much of a control freak… or am I?

Right now, I have a good grasp of exactly how do to that certain project without stress at all. And our supposed “leader” keeps saying she’ll do it. But she keeps on stressing. And she turned my “no stress mode” to unnecessary stress plus stress over that unnecessary stress. And you’re the same person who lied to me about the work you’ve been doing.

And now I am annoyed because I could do all that you’re trying to do in a jiffy and I’m somehow an expert in what you’re trying to do and you just had to let me grasp the whole project in my mind just to make me not even do that certain part of it.

Do you even know what you’re doing? Only ethics is keeping me from telling you that:

• I should do it because I can do it better than you can.
• You don’t know what you’re doing.
• I’ve been doing that for three years.
• I have enough experience on it.
• I don’t know why you’re changing it into something it’s not supposed to be.
• And I’m modeling it over a real thing.
• And I can just imagine you apologizing for probably annoying me and I’d be more annoyed about lying that it’s okay.
• And I can actually do this whole project myself without stress.

Now I don’t even feel like doing the rest of my schoolwork, and I have a lot. I think I wasted some hours on this. And I also want to get the highest grade for this project since I want the highest grade for this subject!

Many things about this post is selfish but if you’re trying to do it just because you want to seem as if you actually did something, that’s selfish.

I don’t know, I’m just annoyed right now. Unnecessarily annoyed. I was really chill a while ago. I’ve become annoyed to the point of actually not being able to do that project anymore.

I’m going to have to go through a whole year with this. Not in the zone. I was totally in the zone.

Things that do annoy me are sudden changes to what is already set in my mind.

I’ll probably eat my cereal dinner with sweet things to make me happier today. Great, just when I feel as if I’m gaining more weight.

Maybe I’ll start a blogspot and I can put more specific things there. And this will be my emotional dump.

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Have I been painting you in my mind with colors and strokes of my preference?

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The definition of my standing in your life dawned on me in our night.

I’ve been waiting to make this post with many insights in my mind. Now that I’m here, I’m at a little loss and I’m grasping for those planned words. Probably because “Rolling in the Deep” is playing. Switched to the more appropriate “Chasing Pavements.”

Many, many, many revelations last night. It was kind of rushed because really, one hour isn’t enough… 

But I felt that our conversation defined where I am with you right now… at least for me. What we talked about means something else to you — it was about telling me something you’ve never told other people. I just…

Knowing how far you’ve gone, I… Well, I wasn’t devastated. It’s still because of who that person is. At least I wasn’t devastated.

I didn’t really feel anything negative.

But… The conversation defined us because I suddenly felt where I stand now. Is it because I was hoping for something?

…Ah, it’s probably because a question deep inside was answered.

A question deep inside, that one question I wanted answered yet forgot because I knew it would never be answered directly. I could only make inferences. I just realized… It’s really as if you just told me the answer.

I feel like… a burden has been taken from me. I heard a voice in my head, something like, “I’m such a good friend.” I believe…

You know what? I think one ingredient in the infatuation, that part when even if you voluntarily want to stop having so much affection for somebody, there’s something that still pulls you toward that person?

I feel like that unknown force deep inside vanished. I feel as though it’s voluntary now, because I still want it. Actually, because I probably think it’s such a waste. What could be but isn’t.

Maybe it was because I was waiting for something really bad to happen, and that doesn’t make me such a good person. But I was still planning to be a good friend. Yet at this point, it just so happened that something bad is less likely to happen. Disappointment?

I don’t know… I feel a little blank or… I feel a little comfortable now with you? Since we are already this close…

(Yet when I entered the place I first met you that morning, I couldn’t help but smile.)

…Am I fooling you? Am I putting up a false act?

But my intentions are to keep you from getting hurt. I could just tell you everything so I’d be at ease, yet I’d risk losing you, too.

(Do I feel that something has been lifted from me because, in your very words, you also said that you didn’t want to lose that person, the same way I could’ve said it to you?)

…I might have just found the term. I kind of feel at ease. Something’s gone. As if healed from a sickness.

But, with all honesty to myself, deep inside I still want to be with you. I’m hanging onto this friendship in an almost wrong way, but something is already correcting me and putting me at ease. 

Life goes on.