"I say things other people are afraid to say. Stain my image, let it be, but spoken opinions will live on."

    • 2 years ago
    • 3

    Lens

    It feels different because it feels as if I’m looking through a different perspective.

    In relation to being “healed”, I feel like what could be my recollection of what happened before has suddenly been erased. There was no feeling of suddenness, just… no feeling.

    I’m looking through different lenses. This time, I’m replacing my terribly rose-tinted glasses with these less tinted ones. It would be nice to know if they were clear. 

    That’s why things seem new to me. I’m trying to remember those things that made me happy like the teenage girl I am…

    I can only see the picture. I’m not exactly feeling the emotion I associate with that event. 

    This might have been what I needed all along, even if it’s such a short gesture.

    It’s very tempting to miss the rose-tinted glasses. Very, very tempting. As of now, I’m resisting. And the temptation isn’t very persistent. Thoughts of you were very persistent earlier on.

    Before, I felt that you were being distanced from me. I felt like the one standing in my own place — even the one somehow drawing myself to you — while you were just floating away. Now, I feel as if while you’re floating away (all movement very slow), my feet stay on the ground as I also move backward a little. I know you could carelessly come back, back and forth, and leave me again, but I feel like I’ve found a new place — the place where I really should be standing, the place where I always pretended to stand.

    One-way train track.

    I feel rather indifferent. At the same time, I’m also being jaded by the work I have to do during a break. 

    This is very interesting. Will you see the change? The more I think about how I pretended to act with you, the more I can’t even remember what I told you. This time, I’ll actually end up being free. I can actually have a conversation without too many thoughts if I still feel this indifferent.

    I don’t want to define anything, but I know that I’m bring brought away from whatever could be considered the darkness of this.

    • 2 years ago
    • 6

    Healing

    I feel healed.

    I can’t really say I’m healed since I haven’t faced the virus with the vaccination I received but… I feel as if symptoms have been carried away from me.

    Or did the one emitting that virus just transfer, and will I be eaten up again? Probably not as heavily. And I wouldn’t prefer this… maybe?

    It’s funny. My life? Just funny. But no worries, no conclusions yet. My head is still in temporary sanity. 

    It’s like I don’t remember how it was in that deep pitch black hole of nothing. I remember what I thought about it, what I remember about how I felt, the rush of the moments I cherished and kept, but I can’t exactly recall the feeling… Somehow, maybe I would…?

    This should be good news, but like all the other cycles I’ve gone through, the virus would come back if I show any sign of wanting to feel its highs and lows again. Time and time again I tell myself what’s good for me…

    I’m getting okay again…?

    (But tears still form behind my eyes when your present truth sinks into my heart like a pointed object.)

    I don’t think I’ll be eaten up again because I’m not as blind. There’s always something wrong with these attractions. But this time, the somehow wrongness is really stopping me. I don’t really feel like it…?

    No assumptions, reader! I only have my wild mind to blame. My imagination is very, very, very wild. Although it stays in reality, it makes what it can out of the reality and creates whatever realistic yet unrealistic events my mind could fathom (or not?).

    (I told myself that no matter how much I was attracted to you, you’d always be a close friend to me that I care about, but now that I somehow know how I could feel for you without the attraction, it’s as if the feeling of care and friendliness went away with it… Is it just that I suddenly feel nothing for you or is it because this is how I feel for for a friend anyway, it’s just sudden that it’s not heavy, but light enough to be hard to recognize?)

    Would I be mindless enough to let the virus from you in again?

    Do I really have to choose between these diseases, and is it possible to live that life without these “diseases” first?

    This opportunity is good for my health. I hope this is refreshing and not disappointing. Although I have expectations, being the more mature one, it’s actually all right if this won’t push through, but of course there’s the better event.

    • 2 years ago
    • 4

    "Goosebumps, tears uncried, expressions suppressed."

    • 2 years ago
    • 5

    Information

    I find it so amazing how I can connect the dots.

    I get details from one source and even verbatim information from someone else and both are involved in the same event, in just one situation, just one happening. Just through conversations and connections, I know everything.

    I get to connect them.

    Funny coincidences.

    Thank you for the opportunity. Thanks for the info. Student journalist-news writer by heart even if it involves my emotional life.

    You. You have no idea how much I know yet again, but this time, it hurts more and more. Having so much confirmation of my discoveries made it all sink in even faster, even harder, even more painfully. Things don’t sink in right way with me, so that could be a good thing? (Except it caused depression for some time.)

    Call me a stalker, call me an investigator, call me nothing more than the close friend… who went as far as piecing all the information together, who cares for you so much…

    If I cared for you so much I’d leave you to vuestro idea of “happiness” and… try to… why is it so impossible to loosen my grip?

    • 2 years ago
    • 4

    "Someone pull me out from this DEEP FUCKING SHIT."

    • 2 years ago
    • 5

    "Depression like I’m stuck in a pitch black pit and my head is immobile from looking up."

    • 2 years ago
    • 5

    Sinner

    I went against the words to which I’ve committed.

    Part of this feeling of depression and guilt is the way I shared what was not mine today.

    It was just the moment when I knew I could let it out. But there was a choice not to. I did anyway.

    I shared what was not mine.

    I betrayed someone’s trust.

    But recalling things today and even realizing other things along the way is really putting me down. Some sort of depression similar to the deep shit I’ve felt in December 4-5, 2010.

    So ironic that I planned to write about the solutions since I finally found out how to help myself.

    I’m back from a pretty long day even if it was just in one place, even if what made it truly long was this sort of down-ness.

    To-do list, schoolwork. Keep me busy enough so I can have more color. Convince me that it’s easy to change what I feel to happiness. Abstain. Avoid. Forget. Concentrate.

    • 2 years ago
    • 4

    Affected

    You don’t know how much I react to the events in your life.

    (Stupid Google Chrome doesn’t ask me if I really want to exit… All, all the posts I planned to type are gone. That was five in total including this one.)

    So my thoughts have flown into the supposed posted blog post.

    But it’s not.

    I… just got affected. As usual. It repeats like a really messed-up cycle. 

    And… Well, you didn’t start it, but with that term that we use… how could you end up sharing it with that person?

    I don’t know. I’ve run out of thoughts, I’ve wasted the opportunity of using this word again and therefore I allow myself to use this word again someday, but…

    I’m in denial because I think I feel what I actually don’t. I wouldn’t even…

    (I hate Google Chrome for that unassuring exit button.)

    (I wanted to write about how: this will all end up nowhere because when you’re away, I’m sad, but when you treat me specially, I get disillusioned; the costs outweigh the benefits; something about misapprehension, but more of how you actually act without me around; something else…)

    There was a gathering and I freaked out in school deciding if I should or should not go… I prayed about my decision and I don’t regret not attending (even if you did). I’m not that cheap. I’m not going to attend just because you will!

    But deep inside… that was what made it hard for me to decide. In denial, even if I think otherwise.

    The day after, though. 

    Why is it as if you don’t care? You speak first but I give you unanswered replies! Twice have they been unanswered questions! You are so inconsistent. 

    It can change my mood so much. Things just have to happen to you. I just have to end up knowing. 

    F*** it.

    • 2 years ago
    • 3

    "Felt for a few seconds (which still continue but start to fade) that my strange feelings of being repelled from that person just transformed into the absence of attachment."

    • 2 years ago
    • 2

    Better

    You can tell that I probably have a superiority complex.

    That also leads to being a control freak, but I’m probably not that much of a control freak… or am I?

    Right now, I have a good grasp of exactly how do to that certain project without stress at all. And our supposed “leader” keeps saying she’ll do it. But she keeps on stressing. And she turned my “no stress mode” to unnecessary stress plus stress over that unnecessary stress. And you’re the same person who lied to me about the work you’ve been doing.

    And now I am annoyed because I could do all that you’re trying to do in a jiffy and I’m somehow an expert in what you’re trying to do and you just had to let me grasp the whole project in my mind just to make me not even do that certain part of it.

    Do you even know what you’re doing? Only ethics is keeping me from telling you that:

    • I should do it because I can do it better than you can.
    • You don’t know what you’re doing.
    • I’ve been doing that for three years.
    • I have enough experience on it.
    • I don’t know why you’re changing it into something it’s not supposed to be.
    • And I’m modeling it over a real thing.
    • And I can just imagine you apologizing for probably annoying me and I’d be more annoyed about lying that it’s okay.
    • And I can actually do this whole project myself without stress.

    Now I don’t even feel like doing the rest of my schoolwork, and I have a lot. I think I wasted some hours on this. And I also want to get the highest grade for this project since I want the highest grade for this subject!

    Many things about this post is selfish but if you’re trying to do it just because you want to seem as if you actually did something, that’s selfish.

    I don’t know, I’m just annoyed right now. Unnecessarily annoyed. I was really chill a while ago. I’ve become annoyed to the point of actually not being able to do that project anymore.

    I’m going to have to go through a whole year with this. Not in the zone. I was totally in the zone.

    Things that do annoy me are sudden changes to what is already set in my mind.

    I’ll probably eat my cereal dinner with sweet things to make me happier today. Great, just when I feel as if I’m gaining more weight.

    • 2 years ago
    • 4

    "Second to chat but last to reply."

    • 2 years ago

    "I was browsing people’s opinions on my school and found:
    —“I am so glad they have these programs to develop the students’ interests.”
    NO."

    • 2 years ago

    Plans

    Maybe I’ll start a blogspot and I can put more specific things there. And this will be my emotional dump.

    Read more...

    • 2 years ago

    "It’s your fault that I look at my face in the mirror all the time. No one ever made me feel prettier. No one ever turned me into such a girl."

    • 2 years ago