Pre-Senior Anxiety

I disobeyed my rule of one-word titles since I pretty much just ranted my heart out.

What the hell, man. What the hell.

How did my summer just slip past like that? How the hell.

The realization of summer ending is like the ending of a fairytale (in more realistic terms… burning a fairytale book in the middle of the city). I just can’t believe it.

I feel so pressured all of a sudden.

I feel as if I could repeat a routine forever. Wake up at 7:30am, be late for review classes. And I mean fun review classes with amusing people (it’s not paradise or anything and it’s not like these people are perfect people, but still). Then either go home or go out. Then nap or do homework or do random things on the computer. That’s Monday to Thursday. I waste my Friday then just do the same freaking thing Saturday to Sunday.

I’m freaking scared because I was supposed to study for the college entrance exams one of these days… I never did. I never self-studied. I really need to self-study. I’m so scared ‘cause I’m losing control of time. I’m scared ‘cause I don’t egt to do what I want anymore.

I forgot that my six weeks of review will end this fast… I can’t believe we’ve finished four weeks… This is what I get for not looking at the calendar carefully!!!

I think it’s also because I expect myself to finish things before summer ends… Even things I hoped to do for fun.  Because I had all this time. Let me try making a list.

  • buy certain necessities that I’ve listed
  • move all books and notebooks from high school to the shelf without mother knowing ‘cause it’s easier for me to access like that.
  • study for the college entrance exams
  • finish certain things for some…  ugh
  • Back-up my files
  • Watch Gokinjo Monogatari then Paradise Kiss (50 + 12 episodes)

What the freaking hell.

I really have to admit this… Something else also ate my summer. It starts to get even more annoying that… ugh. Cannot rant here. My summer has been stolen and it’s not even the group it’s the project I mean, ugh, why. And I didn’t even need to… Ugh, I sound so ridiculous being so vague.

I haven’t been so scared of school before. I’ve never been this scared. I am so scared for senior year now.

I have a theory, and it’s probably just going to apply to myself. I enjoyed first year a lot. It’s like I never wanted it to end. I loved it.

And I didn’t like second year. 

But it was since first year that I looked forward to Junior Year. Everyone kept on saying it was the hardest year. I was excited. I was determined to overcome the stress and I was ready. And then I conquered it and had great memories.

Senior Year. If I follow how these years are even and odd numbers, First Year and Third Year are odd. I enjoyed both.

So my theory is that I’m probably not going to enjoy Senior Year.

I felt indifferent toward Sophomore Year before it began. I didn’t know what to expect. It seemed blank. And I don’t know how to feel about Senior Year. I mean, come on. What happens in Senior Year aside from college entrance tests? Nothing else? Wow. Ugh.

A string of just one word is running through my brain. It’s:

college-college-college-college-college-college-college-college-college-college-college-college-college-college-college-college-college-college-college-college-college-college-college-college-college-college———

(I’d talk about college courses… but not now).

I have to pass UPCAT. Fine, I have a college with the course I think I want in case I don’t pass UPCAT… But I have to get into UP Manila still. I might be shocked too much but… Shiz.

I feel like life is ending. I feel like the world is ending. I feel like my life will end on June 8.

Our review ends in June 2. I’m so happy I don’t get bored or anything during review. I actually look forward to it.

But I feel so screwed.